Life’s a contradictory constant

Well, I have been in a bit of a funk recently. Acting-wise, there isnt much work and prospects dont seem to get any better. I keep thinking that I suck, because my characters arent working right for Hypochondriac. I think back on the choices I made and wonder if i should have just sold out. I worry about my future in this industry night and day, just trying to find ways to stay where my heart is. I AM TIRED!

After sitting around and wallowing in self-pity, as evidenced in the post before last, I figured I need a break. If I dont get anything for the Singapore Theatre Festival, I am just going to continue my life and do other things. And take it as a break. Of course, being selected to do any show for the festival is a great way to validate my efforts and sacrifices. But you know what, as an old man would say "Each Dog Has Its Day". So…..

I’m going to be doing Short and Sweet…(most likely). And helping Beng with Artaud’s Jet of Blood for Little Red Shop. Most definitely going for the other Theatre Festival Auditions. Also,persist on writing scripts in the middle of the night and tweaking them. I’m going to do a little more photography and make nice montages, dive back into reading loads of books and comics and work on non-theatre projects. WEEEEE. I even bought the 30 Days of Night Trilogy….just for kicks!

Hopefully, this will keep me distracted and also help me to grow, while waiting for me to become a "professional actor" (if ever). Hang in there, all my aspiring friends, we can do this! GANBATTE! *warrior growl*

Hello, every single person in my life that matters! *kiss* Love you!

*skip away*

Sigh - I hate auditions. Specifically cold reads. I really love the rehearsals and the exploration and everything else but auditions. When you only have one chance to prove that you can live up to the character, you just use what you have at hand, what you are comfortable with. And sometimes, it works against you.

Instinctively, without direction or idea, I play my characters younger, more emotional, less grounded. These decisions are what I automatically rely on to carry me through cold reads, even with older characters (Of course, if you are playing a male doctor who is 50, its easier for you to make choices within that boundary) But, for today, I relied on my instinct to read for a female character who was slightly older and more restrained.

After the read, I realised that the character would have made different choices and would, because of that, be more powerful in status. Which prompted me to quietly curse myself all the way home…I kept thinking, if I had paid attention or perhaps just thought a little more, I may have done better. If I had just not relied solely on instinct, I may have give the character more cause, done her more justice. Well, I definitely dont think I should be casted as her as there ARE people better qualified, but the point is I sucked!

I just want someone to believe I can do it. Cast me as a few minor insignificant characters in a huge piece. I get to play around, I have time to think through the different personas, I get to be inspired. Even if i’m in the background, I’m just happy to be a part of the process and grow with the characters. Thats why I’m so thankful for Y n W. The roles given to me so far are roles that people wont usually cast me in. They are small, bit parts but at least I get to stretch my acting muscle many different ways and feel alive.

So please, give me a chance (Ya, so thick-skinned. What makes you think you should be given a chance? Wait your turn!) And on that note. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA *bangheadanddie*

PS Sorry for the depressing and overwhelmingly stupid entry. Im having PMS and pretty much thinking I suck, so therefore the bruised ego. Please disregard as a mere flatulence on my part and hopefully my urge to go drown in a bucket of soil will die too. *sniff* Also Big Guy? If I dont get anything for STF, please just take care of me ok? *hide*